Son, you probably won’t remember too much about this day, and I would love for your soon to be waning memories of Kindergarten to be happy ones. Oh, they certainly are happy, but there is a dark side. That dark side lives hidden from your sight, just beneath your back. You performed for your first end-of-school pageant this evening. You sang with your group, and everyone oohed and aahed at the smallest kids singing about their America. You had practiced so hard, and your mom and I were so proud of you. When you were through, a teacher led you to where we were sitting, and you sat in my lap. You had breadsticks for lunch (c’mon, cafeteria), and you also had the resulting vapors. You accidentally (I have to, in my heart, believe it was accidental) farted in my lap. I whispered in my dad whisper, “Don’t you do that again. Hold it until we get outside, or go to the bathroom.” My work was done. I could feel you doing clenching exercises throughout the rest of the show. Good job, my man!
When the pageant was over we got up slowly because we are a wait-until-the-crowd-leaves kind of people. I was feeling good in the nice slacks I had worn. After all, nice man pants make a man feel good. I noticed, to my horror, that, when I got up, I had left a rather obvious, humidity-beaded line of ass sweat in the chair. My mind raced through options: sit down and wait? sit down and surreptitiously scoot back and forth to wipe the ass sweat with dryer ass parts? get a paper towel and wipe the chair off? I did none of those, but shamefully walked away. I felt bad when teachers started taking the chairs away. I hoped beyond hope that the butt sweat had dried or that no one remembered who was sitting in that chair or that, if they did remember people from the general vicinity, that they would think it was your mom or the other, larger-assed lady who was sitting near me.
We are taught to judge not, son. Your five-year-old, accidental farts were innocent enough, but know that those farts are harbingers of future embarrassments that will be caused by your ass. You will fart near people and try to outpace it, you will make weird reverse fart sounds that are unstoppable, you will have more than one moment where you are uncertain if you should just go wipe your butt or not, and you will leave a gross ass-sweat pool in a chair. We are a proud people, son, but we should not be so proud. God bless your mom, and God bless the woman who will tolerate your nasty ass, too. I love you, son.
Sincerely,
Dad
Have a good day!
Otto Scungy
Man Pons
Mr. Ass Theme Song
Da Butt by EU
